The Cooking Noveno
by Arteset
Summary: After receiving an unwelcoming letter from TV Tokyo, Aaroniero decides to do the opposite and screw up the script. Rated T for language and rewrite. Slight AaronieroxRukia at the end...


A/N: Another bleach oneshot sitting on my computer since forever. First het romance story too...Bleach is property of Tite Kubo and TV Tokyo. Loser is property of Beck and used in this fanfic as well.

* * *

_Soy un perdedor_

_I'm a Loser baby_

_So why don't you kill me?_

Yep, that's who I am, un perdedor. Amongst the Espada I am the weakest of the weak; even Yammy is Espada number ten and zero. The other privaron Espada and hollows envy me, making me the loneliest one in Hueco Mundo, next to the hollow lizards buried deep in the sand. I started out like everyone else, but now that Aizen gave us "human" appearances and white outfits they think they're all high and mighty. I understand Barragan; he was the king around here and Grimmjow since he fought for survival but everyone else? Nothing but a bunch of kiss ups to Lord Aizen. Especially Cifer, he's like the head cheerleader in the GO Aizen! group followed by Loly, Menoly, and every other Espada. I respect Lord Aizen to some degree, but that's about it. I'll bet Lord Aizen's going to get rid of us the minute Cifer dies, because Cifer is like his ace up his sleeve or something like that. Just you wait Bleach fans…just you wait.

So even though my existence is detested by everyone and my ninth seat in the Espada ranks coveted, I clung to both like a leech. It was the only thing I had, next to my cooking. Cooking came in second because I was still learning and I had gone from burn-everything-even-water to making-half-decent-meals-that-everyone-else-ate-AND DIDN'T THANK ME FOR! But that's my fault, thinking I could compete with Cifer, who can flambé and set out a buffet line faster than sonido. I try not to discourage myself; he doesn't know how to plan a decent thirty-minute meal or how to deal with leftovers. On top of that I write down all the recipes I see in Food Network, even those nearly impossible ones by Ina and Sandra.

Dinner would certainly be lonely, with all the fighting going around and the intruders breaching our palace, that no one would enjoy my soup. I even chopped fresh cilantro and onions, cried my eyes out for nothing. I did serve food to the prisoner, almost wishing she would eat it. This was the first meal she would eat in Las Noches and would probably reject it, meaning Cifer now had a reason to criticize my food, as if he didn't do that already. I served her a giant glass of mineral water and pulled out the dessert cup I chilled in the refrigerator. I arranged everything on a tray and put that on a cart that a lower Espada would wheel away to her.

"Do you plan feeding the girl today or next century Aaroniero?" Cifer, the person I wanted to see the least, asked. He was leaning over the soup and sniffed it, then covered his nose.

"This slop is being fed to the poor girl? I almost pity her," Cifer said while another hollow pulled the cart out of the kitchen, "if it had been I that was cooking I would have added less cilantro and more salt, not masking it with those pathetic onions. But you refuse to take my cooking lessons, you could be teaching your precious Sandra Lee how to cook; not learn from the bimbo." That struck a nerve, but I refused to fall for his little games. So I smiled as I replied, "I appreciate your kindness Ulquiorra but I prefer to learn human cooking from actual humans."

"Watch your mouth," Cifer replied icily, "you wouldn't want Aizen-sama to learn of your behavior in front of your superior now would you?"

"You're the one who's running his mouth off," I retorted, "why don't you deliver lunch to the prisoner? I've got recipes to cook here," and turned my back to the emo king.

"You won't be cooking recipes for much longer," Cifer announced, "looks like you got mail from TV Tokyo. I hear people are getting laid off. First Cirucci, then that Panini guy, and now you…or better yet, the editor might give you a normal looking appearance. I for one will be more than happy to pay for your plastic surgery." He threw me a piece of mail and walked out, a stupid smug look on his chalky face. Son of a bitch, I wanted to yell, but he was right. The only reason a Bleach character got a TV Tokyo letter was because they were kicking him off. I heard Byakuya Kuchiki got one for being a dick and having a stick up his ass, but didn't get kicked out. Maybe I was the same? Someone say yes…my hands trembled as I opened the envelope and began reading.

_Aaroniero Arruruerie:_

_It has been a pleasure having you work in the bleach cast. However, we regret to inform you that we must fire you. _(What? Fire me? What did I do?)_ You will be killed by Ms. Rukia Kuchiki after you injure her badly and that will be the last time you appear in the anime/manga._ (No comments; must get over initial shock.)_ As a bonus, you will appear on the cover of Bleach manga volume 30. It has been a pleasure working with you Mr. Aaroniero._

_Best of luck,_

_The staff of Bleach and Tite Kubo_

I looked at the volume cover, trying to comfort myself, only to see a stupid picture of Kaien Shiba smiling in a black kimono. HOW THE FUCK DID THAT LOOK LIKE ME? I looked at the p.s. scribbled on the back of the volume cover.

_P.S. This would look like you if you altered your appearance and wore a black kimono, or at least that's what we think._

I wanted to crawl into the nearest hole and just lay there, crinkle the stupid letter and shout at Cifer that he was right, like always. AHHHHHH, where was my pride now? Cooking made me a softie, and I knew it, making me think of what others wanted other than me. I should have remained a sadist, at least then I would be excited that I would torture Rukia Kuchiki before she killed me. But Rukia Kuchiki never did anything bad to me, heck we've never even met. Well the Kaien Shiba inside of me has, but that's different, I can't impersonate her crush to crush her like TV Tokyo wanted me to. I decided I needed comfort food, and began making oatmeal, then craved mashed potatoes with tons of Tabasco sauce on it. I decided to settle for some sake, since that's what all the other anime characters drank besides tea and went back to my room.

I woke up just in time for dinner, with a pounding mother effing headache and a dry throat to accompany it. Ordinarily I would be serving dinner, but I could hear everyone ooohing and aaahing. Cifer must be flambéing again, and karate-chopping sushi while serving margaritas. My soup was probably in the incinerator, evaporating all the love and hard work I put in it; just like the stupid anime character I was. I closed my eyes, letting Kaien Shiba's memories flow through me. Him and his family, him and his company, him and Rukia; mother effer lived a good life up until Aizen fudged it up. Him and the grotesque appearance, him killing comrades, him getting killed by a tear-faced Rukia; those were the last memories he had. Well, that and his last thoughts he had while dying, _why didn't I tell Rukia how I truly felt about her? I really let her slip through my fingers…even know that's she killing me. _Who was I to kill his love? I made up my mind, both for Kaien and for myself, on what would happen next.

Rukia ran, as fast as her short legs could carry her, through the long tunnels of Las Noches. Unlike Uryu, Chad, and Ichigo, she would not face a privaron Espada, but an actual Espada. She knew what she had to do, for the sake of her friend Orihime, but she feared what she would face in those halls. Her training had taught her long ago to drop her fear, but it was a human emotion hard to forget. The adrenaline pumping through her veins, the quiver of her lips, the shivers running up and down her spine and the worry, the immense worry for her comrades; all these I felt as Rukia approached closer and closer to my hall. I enjoyed that misery, and craved to increase it, but calmed myself down. I was here for a purpose, other than my death, and had to stick with it. So I waited quietly until Rukia's footsteps slowed down and she stopped.

"Kai…Kaien?" She choked, dropping her zanpakuto. Okay what kind of a dumb fuck was she? Dropping your sword? If I wasn't a good-natured guy I would have already killed her.

"Geez Rukia how stupid are you? Pick up Shirayuki and fight me like a man!" She was surprised; I was in my Kaien guise and pulled it off pretty well.

"What did you call me?" She asked, gripping her zanpakto tighter, "and who are you?"

"I'm Kaien Shiba," I replied, "come on Rukia, why don't you believe me?"

"Prove it," She said, coming closer to me, "or I'll cut you up." I racked my head for ideas, but decided this one would make my point come across faster. I leaned close to her and gently pressed my lips against hers, while maneuvering her zanpakuto away from me so she wouldn't cut me up. She dropped it anyway, shocked that I had kissed her. I pulled away, the Kaien Shiba inside of me extremely embarrassed and said, "Well? Do you believe me now?" She said nothing; instead she touched her lips, her gaze locked with mine. Definitely _not_ the reaction I wanted. And certainly not the next one that followed, because she launched at me at full speed into an impromptu hug. Unfortunately she knocked me into the sunlight, melting away the Kaien guise in a flash. I panicked, my trump card was slipping out my fingers, and so was my pathetic cooking otaku life. The situation was even more scary since her tiny body was on top of mine, and her face was a mere centimeters from my cylinder one.

"Okay, okay I'm not Kaien Shiba," I admitted, trying to push her away from me, "I'm Aaroniero, the ninth Espada of Hueco Mundo. I did eat his hollow, but only because I was hungry and that was years ago and…and…PLEASE DON'T KILL ME! " I begged, finally getting her off me. I got on my knees, and looked down. Rukia stared at me, and got down as well.

"What the hell are you doing? You're the enemy aren't you? Why don't you fight me like a man?" She challenged, forcing my head up.

"Some of us would rather live like cowards than die like men," I retorted, "and if I do fight you and win, I'll have the wrath of Kuchiki Byakuya chasing me for all eternity."

"That's what you're worried about?" Rukia giggled, helping me up, "Byakuya's not that much of a dick." I looked away, Kaien Shiba wanted to pat her head, but me Aaroniero wanted to blush insanely. Rukia only laughed louder and pinched my cheek.

"For an Espada you sure seem weak," She commented, "I was so sure you would attack. You seem like the sadistic type."

"I am," I replied defensively, "or well, used to be. Sure there are days when I want to deep fry a chicken with just butter but I know better. Butter and oil can go together you know."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Rukia asked, "who are you, Rachel Ray?" I gasped, feeling immense horror. How dare she compare me to that lady? Rachel Ray should be learning from me, not the other way around.

"I'm nothing like her," I said, crossing my arms, "I'm just a bit of a cooking otaku, that's all."

"Cooking otaku huh?" Rukia said, sitting across from me. We were still in the hallway, even though Zommari could barge in any minute. I had to get Rukia out of there, and find an alternative escape for myself.

"Look Rukia, you have to get out of here," I said, pulling her up, "if any of the other Espada see you they won't hesitate to kill you. I didn't kill you or hurt you because then you would kill me, not because I'm a good guy or anything like that." Rukia's expression surprised me; she had kind of a sad look on her face. I don't know how it happened, but she knocked me down, again. This time, she was the one who pressed her lips against my tank, which I immediately changed into an ordinary male face so I could kiss her back. I was pleasantly surprised myself, making out with a Shinigami on top of me. I ended the kiss, pulling her face away from mine.

"I'll be waiting," She said, "once all of this ends, I wait for you to make me something delicious to eat. You're a cooking otaku aren't you?"

"But we're enemies," I protested, "I mean, not that I won't cook for you or anything like that. It's just that Aizen won't let me."

"Did Aizen say you could make out with a Shinigami? What about that?" Rukia replied, getting up. She reached inside her black kimono and pulled out a soul candy dispenser, the one with Chappy the rabbit on it. She kissed his plastic head and gave it to me, a memento from my not girlfriend.

"Thanks," I said, putting the dispenser in my outfit, "I hope that day can come really soon." She nodded and picked up her Zanpakuto; it was time for her to go.

"Just keep going straight." I instructed, "And watch out for a multiple pierced tutu wearing Espada named Zommari. I'll see you once this ark ends!" I waved like an idiot until the hallway swallowed her into the darkness. Did Shinigami kisses bring out my poetic side as well? I pulled out my suitcase, packed with all my belongings, and opened a garganta for myself. It was time to say good-bye to Hueco Mundo.

* * *

It wasn't hard to accommodate myself to the human world, for the second time around. I wasn't a rice farmer at least, and there was no army to sack my village and send me to the war. I quickly found employment in a small diner, and continued my cooking lessons from Food Network. I still thought about Rukia, but was too afraid to go back. Did she make it out alive? Or did Aizen put her and friends in a frying pan? I could only wonder. And sweep up the place before closing, which would be in five…four…three…SWISH! The door opened, and a small man in a trench coat walked in.

"Sir," I said, putting the broom down, "I afraid we're closed. Well, technically we aren't but I'm closing up so I suggest you leave."

"You think you're so high and mighty," He replied, taking off his scarf. It was none other than Cifer, the Ulquiorra Cifer in human clothing and –gasp! - normal human skin. But his expression was sour, as if he had been sucking on bad lemons since I left.

"So what have you been up to? Still kissing Lord Aizen's ass?" I asked, running back to the kitchen. I brought back Mr. Emo King a cup of black coffee and Mexican cookies, the sugary kind.

"Cream or sugar?" The usual question I asked, but Cifer only shook his head. He opted for dipping the sugary heart attacks into his black coffee and munched away. I commented useless things like the weather and lack of customers, small talk at its worst. Cifer nodded, as if agreeing with me, and continued munching.

"So, like I said earlier, what have you been up to?" I repeated, once Cifer drained all of his coffee. His large green eyes began to tear up and fat salty tears ran down his face. Cifer began to sob and sob and sob. Out of courtesy I handed him a napkin, and hoped he would stop, nothing was more disturbing than a crying Cifer.

"Sorry," He sniffled, wiping his eyes, "but seriously, you have no idea how I feel! I get a letter from TV Tokyo stating I was going to die, diiiiieeeee. On top of that, Ichigo Kurosaki kills me? I mean it was fine when he beat the crap out of Grimmjow, but me?"

"So what, do you want me to kiss it better? Tell Tite Kubo on them? What happened to the male bravado, _Murcielago_?" I frowned, handing him another napkin, "in case you've forgotten, I got fired too and I was supposed to die too."

"I know," Cifer sniffled, blowing his nose on the second napkin, "but I was one of the pretty people in Bleach 'kay?" I was appalled, but said nothing, this discussion was over.

"What are you doing here?" I finally asked, "Came to bother my life again?"

"Far from it," Cifer said, "I came to thank you. Because of you the war with the Shinigamis is over. You can't have a war if people aren't willing to die, and considering the fact none of us wanted to die; we decided to follow in your footsteps."

"So…?" I couldn't help but ask, "You guys rewrote the series Bleach so that everyone could live?"

"Yep," Cifer nodded, "we all found ways to cheat death that the producers were so angry at us they decided to end the series and allow all the happy endings to ensue."

"So I can go back?" I replied eagerly, "You said there was no more fighting."

"Mhm," Cifer nodded once again, "that's the only reason I came back. My sister-in-law kept bugging me about it. Something about you making her a feast…?"

"RUKIA'S YOUR SISTER-IN-LAW?" I shrieked, my eyes wide in disbelief. That wasn't right, the only way Cifer could be Rukia's brother-in-law was if…

"Byakuya Kuchiki takes me to the finest restaurants in the world," Cifer offered quietly, "and if you had the choice to be with him, wouldn't you?"

"Ummm….if I say yes you won't get jealous?" I half-joked, laughing awkwardly. Cifer laughed alongside me and shook his head. Even I could tell the tiny twinge of jealously in his emerald eyes.

"It's time for us to go home," Cifer trilled, opening a garganta, "got anything else to do in this world?" I walked towards the nearest table, got a napkin, pulled out a pen from my apron, and wrote 'I QUIT' in giant letters.

"Alright," I assured him," I'm done." And we both stepped into the garaganta, Hueco Mundo our next destination.

It felt good to be home, sort of. I certainly wasn't expecting a beach resort when I got there, and seeing all my fellow comrades in human-like clothing. Wonderweiss was building sandcastles and Luppi was watching over him, while all of Barragan's fraccion squirted each other with water guns. Yammy and some of the other espadas were playing volleyball, Tosen watching over the game to decide a winner. All the girl espadas were dancing to a boombox, ignoring the catcalls and whistles they got from some smartass shinigamis. All in all, my home was brighter, happier, and for the first time, fun. I didn't notice when Cifer rushed to the arms of Byakuya Kuchiki, so I decided to keep walking towards the palace. Inside, the a/c was on full blast to ward off the sun's heat. Nnoitra and Tesla were watching a soccer game on a giant TV, while other shinigamis crowded around rooting one team or the other.

The kitchen was the same as always, carbohydrated snacks and sugary soda covered every inch of the counter top, but other than that, kitchen sweet kitchen. I peered into cabinets and drawers, all filled with ingredients begging to be mixed and turned into delicacies.

"So where's my feast?" A voice chided behind me. I jumped nearly a mile; I hadn't heard that voice in a couple months, the rough yet sweet voice of Rukia Kuchiki. I turned to her, and caught sight of the two piece purple colored bikini she had on. The color rose to my cheeks and I nosebleed. But I'm not a pervert! It's just the color looks really nice on her and it accents her petite curves and hugs those small perky…

"HENTAI!" She yelled, punching me in the stomach, "wipe the goofy smile off your face." I winced, Rukia punches hard. But she took out a tissue and wiped the blood off my nose. Once the blood was gone she kissed it, a small blush creeping across her face.

"So…do you wanna help me cook something?" I offered, "My kitchen is your kitchen." But she wordlessly grabbed a hold of my hand and led me to a room…and you can guess what happened next.

_I'm a driver; I'm the winner _

_Things are gonna change I can feel it_

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A/N: Hope you enjoyed this one-shot, though my snazzy blue water bottle couldn't live to enjoy it…please review!


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